21 October 2012

Waiting

Anyone who has been to my room this term will have seen the quote on my wall, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". When I first saw it I was immediately drawn to it for no other reason that the fact I like the movie 'Singing in the Rain'. I had read about a hundred clich├ęd phrases and when I saw this I was like "yep that'll do". But I didn't really think about what it really means.

Today I decided to finally clean my room after having left it probably for about a month, and now when I sit on my bed just staring at the walls and waiting for time to pass so I can either have tea or go to my 10am lecture tomorrow (sad I know) I realise this is stupid. I'm just wasting time.

There are so many things people say that they've always wanted to do or wished they'd had the chance to do. And what am I doing with my free time? I'm sitting here shamelessly refreshing facebook/twitter and waiting for something to happen. Anything. Just something to distract me from how boring I am. Someone once said to me, "only boring people get bored" and  so I must be boring. Because I am most certainly bored.

And this is when I read the wall quote again.. And I thought to myself, okay I am not in a storm or anything like that but I should do something rather than waiting for the boredom to pass. It's not raining so I can't go outside and dance around a bit so I'll have to think of something else. Watch a movie, go to the gym, talk to my friends, ring my mum, make something, read a book, draw a picture.. anything!

But what I can't do is sit here WAITING!

8 October 2012

Mistakes Made

I haven't posted in a while as I wanted to make sure I chose something that was important to me and to other people as well. But I don't want this depressing or anything like that. Just something to think about.

So mistakes, everyone makes them. We can try as hard as we like but we can't always control the outcome. But what do you do once you realise you've made one. If it's something small like leaving a light on or forgetting to feed the cat you can easily learn from it or fix it. But what do you do if it's something serious? And what if it's something that affects other people? Even those closest to you?

There are a few things that most people try.

Owning up. Putting your hands up and telling people, "Yes it was me, I did it". But this takes courage. I mean what if the people who matter don't forgive you? What if this time it was one step too far? By choosing this option you take the risk that you might lose the someone you care about. Apologise as much as you like but how do you ever know it it's going to be enough?

Lie about it. Either you claim it wasn't you or it wasn't your fault or that nothing really happened. You completely block out the fact that you made the mistake and you try to shift the blame on to something or someone else, "I was really drunk - I didn't know what I was doing" or "They kissed me". But really here you are just failing to accept that you had a part too in it.

Ignoring it. I do this. I just pretend to myself that nothing has happened and hope this it will go away. But by blocking out what really happened you can't learn from it or move on from what you've done. When you ignoring it, you trap it in the back of your mind, every now and then it comes back to you and you cringe at what you're hiding from yourself and those who matter to you. You cringe at the truth. That you made a mistake, a wrong decision, and that you have to live with the consequences.

I'm not trying to give out any sort of lessons here or make any deep heartfelt confessions. I'm just saying that when you make a mistake you can't just do nothing. If you can't put it right you have to do something or it will just linger on with you forever and you will always think about it for the rest of your life unless you learn to accept that you can't change it. You can learn from it, you can apologise for it and you can try to make up for it but until you accept what you've done, and that it's happened, it's a fixed event in time that you can't ever go back to, then you can't ever move on.

17 September 2012

Picking A Name

My first post had to be about picking a name. What's in a name? What does your name say about you? If you could change your name what would you choose? There are so many choices for a blog name but then why does it take so long to decide on the perfect title. You start to think of things that don't even link to what you wanted to write about or who you are. You consider going for anything just so you can get started.
But a name is important. It's the first impression you give someone of your personality. Everyone has names that they don't like and do like. And you make a judgement. You might not realise it, but you do. Take Jane for example, everyone thinks a Jane will be plain and boring. But why? There are plenty of Jane's who defy this stereotype so why do we believe it? Perhaps it's because we want to believe the stereotypes around our own names? Or just because we follow what everyone else does.
I picked the name for this blog 'Always Never Me' because I think it's something everyone can connect with.  There are always times when we hide ourselves from the outside world. Whether it's sitting at home when we could be out with friends or family, applying make-up to disguise our true complexion, telling a white lie to ease an uncomfortable situation or putting a brave face on when really we just want to cry - we all do it. We put on an act so people won't see who we really are or how we really feel. You can deny it all you like but you do it, we all do. We're not being dishonest, just secretive. It's a defence mechanism developed to protect yourself in case people don't like the 'real' you. I don't know if it's necessary. I guess sometimes it can be fun to pretend to be more glamorous or exciting than you really are. And I know people say, 'just be yourself and people will like you', but what if they don't? What if they think you're boring? Rude? Depressing?
Maybe it's okay to be someone else as long as you don't forget who you really are.